confused

well, today I go see my shrink, dr.s., for the first time since I stopped taking all my meds.  I am nervous and anxious of what will come of it.  trying to figure out what is best right now is hard.  still have the feeling of "oh shit, what have I done?" but also the hope that something will come out of it that will be useful.

Pros of tolerating the withdrawals:	Cons of tolerating the withdrawals:
possibly getting to the bottom of things and figuring out what are truly symptoms of illness rather than side-effects or withdrawals. feel like I am not giving up.	feeling yucky for who knows how much longer. being unable to drive. unable to/uncomfortable going out on my own. possibly ending up in the hospital. taking a toll on Katy (and I).
Pros of going back onto some meds:	Cons of going back onto some meds:
potentially getting rid of the yuckiness (vagals, brain-shivers). probably easier on Katy (and I). less chance of ending up suicidal again and possibly in the hospital.	not really knowing if the yuckiness (vagals, brain-shivers) was just withdrawal stuff or something more. a sense of failure. I may always wonder "what if?"

the here and now

so I have been trying to back-track and write about the past, which has made me perpetually trying to catch up. which is very hard to do.  at this point, I am going to jump ahead to the here and now and maybe I will go back and fill in the holes later.

yesterday, Katy and I went to Hillcrest Aquatic Center for Deep Water Aquafit.  I was excited and nervous about going.  apparently, vertigo/dizziness/whatever this may be does not go along well with the hot tub.  the first trip to the hot tub was fine.  the second ended up causing my eyes to start their vibrating thing and it was all I could do to leave the hot tub and stand holding the rail of the stairs down into it.  I was mad and frustrated.  I have how these episodes sneak up on me.  I was trying not to think about what would happen if I was in the 3.8m deep pool when one hit.  after some water to drink and time for my eyes to stop wiggling, I was able to carry on.  thankfully, I was able to do the deep water stuff without any dizziness, as well.

my physical pain has significantly increased since being off my meds.  the pain and stiffness in my feet is almost unbearable at times.  as does the stiffness in my back and shoulders.  I do allow myself to take a muscle relaxant with ibuprofen when it gets really bad.  this is not about being a martyr.  while the swimming helped get things moving, it also made me very sore later on in the day and very, very sore the next day.

I had at least two more serious eye wiggling episodes yesterday.  the last one was right before bed and it just knocked the wind right out of my sails.  it had me questioning everything.  why am I doing this?  is it worth it? should I just start taking the damn pills again so this will stop?  but what if this is more than just withdrawal?  how can I know that?  will my docs know when the withdrawal has ended and symptoms kick in?  can I survive this?  what have I done?

today has brought on more dizziness.  sigh.  what have I done.