Tuesday, March 8, 2011

confused

well, today I go see my shrink, dr.s., for the first time since I stopped taking all my meds.  I am nervous and anxious of what will come of it.  trying to figure out what is best right now is hard.  still have the feeling of "oh shit, what have I done?" but also the hope that something will come out of it that will be useful.


Pros of tolerating the withdrawals: Cons of tolerating the withdrawals:

  • possibly getting to the bottom of things and figuring out what are truly symptoms of illness rather than side-effects or withdrawals.
  • feel like I am not giving up.
  • feeling yucky for who knows how much longer.
  • being unable to drive.
  • unable to/uncomfortable going out on my own.
  • possibly ending up in the hospital.
  • taking a toll on Katy (and I).
Pros of going back onto some meds: Cons of going back onto some meds:

  • potentially getting rid of the yuckiness (vagals, brain-shivers).
  • probably easier on Katy (and I).
  • less chance of ending up suicidal again and possibly in the hospital.
  • not really knowing if the yuckiness (vagals, brain-shivers) was just withdrawal stuff or something more.
  • a sense of failure.
  • I may always wonder "what if?"
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1 comment:

  1. AnonymousMarch 8, 2011 at 7:03 PM

    I hope things go well. It can be really difficult deciding to go back on medication after you've had a traumatic experience with it. I know it was really hard for me to make the choice to go back on.

    But I set myself limits so that it wouldn't be so hard to do- I started by requesting a med that my mother and I had researched (My mom is my Emergency Deciding person if I Should become incapacitated since she generally is willing to respecct my wishes. In turn, I keep her informed as to what and why so that she can be up to date with my wishes.). I also went to a GP instead of straight to a psych doc. He listened to me better, and since my meds have a duel purpose (anxiety + reduction of Fibro Symptoms) I felt like he would take both into consideration. I also specified what and what types of meds I would NOT go on- Anti-psychotics or atypical anti-psychotics are the ones I'm most against for me. Mood stablizers are a "no, but maybe if ABSOLUTELY needed" or if they are being used as an anti-anxiety.

    And I refuse to stay with a doctor who ignores my input- I tried moving to a psych doc from the GP, and it went poorly so I'm back to my GP. I started seeing a "new" therapist, one I saw when I was a kid, who is with a private practice that accepts Medical Assistance, instead of the county MH unit. I might see the Pych Doc associated with that practice and see how that goes. I've heard good things about him from other MH advocates locally, and He was alright the one time I saw him when I was in inpatient.

    These are my own personal rules- they won't work for everyone, or for people in different circumstances than I have. But hopefully they illustrate the kind of rules that helped make my choice easier.

    Good luck!!!

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